


but i fall when i'm around you

by lover_of_many_things



Series: Guardian Angel AU [2]
Category: Carmilla (Web Series), Carmilla - All Media Types
Genre: F/F, Gen, Guardian Angel AU, carmilla is having a rough go of things
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-22
Updated: 2017-05-22
Packaged: 2018-11-03 19:08:33
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,229
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10973529
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lover_of_many_things/pseuds/lover_of_many_things
Summary: Carmilla has lost her wings and finally starts to live a normal life. Well--as normal a life as she can have when she's still haunted by her past.





	but i fall when i'm around you

**Author's Note:**

> Wow. It's been almost 2 years since I wrote the first part of this. All I can say is life is wild and college happened. This is sort of a filler part story wise, but it's important because I hate big time skips and stuff needed to be established before the story could continue. Anyways, you probably have to read part one in order to understand any of this, so I'd recommend that. Other than that, enjoy! And hopefully the next part won't take 2 years to get up, although I do have to update other fics as well.

Carmilla groaned as she regained consciousness, her back aching horribly. A feeling of panic surged through her, and for a moment she was back in the room Maman had left her chained in for seventy years, reliving her death over and over again. Her panic only calmed when she realized she could move her leg and that the surface underneath her stomach was bedding and not stone. The memory of what she had done returned to her and she reached around herself to touch the space in which her wings used to be. The wings that she had given up by choice. Her fingertips grazed the bottom of the gauze that was wrapped around most of her torso.

Taking a deep breath she pushed herself up from laying down on her stomach into a sitting position. Looking around the room, she recognized it as Laura's dorm room. Right. She was Laura's roommate now. Her gaze finally landed on Laura's bed to find the girl up and watching her carefully. A somewhat heavy silence stretched between them as Carmilla tried to wrap her mind around the thought that she really was free and Laura began to fidget.

“So!” Laura finally blurted out, not being able to take the awkward air in the room anymore, “is that how you introduce yourself to all your roommates?” She grimaces as soon as the words are out of her mouth. Carmilla simply raises an eyebrow, not quite used to being on the receiving end of Laura’s rambling instead of just being a spectator.

“No.”

“Well that’s…that’s probably good then! Because you really scared me when you collapsed and I didn’t know what to do, so I immediately ran to go get Perry—I’ll introduce you guys later—and then as soon as she saw whatever was wrong with you she kicked me out, so I don’t even know what _was_ wrong with you. You look like you’re better though now, are you better?” Carmilla blinked as her brain processed the word vomit that had just been thrown at it in a single go.

“I’m fine, cupcake.” She went to run a hand through her hair, but lifting her arm pulled at the wound on her back. She winced slightly and lowered her arm back down again.

“Laura—my name’s Laura.” Carmilla, for the first time since waking up, looked Laura in the eyes.

“I know…” Her voice came out much softer than she had intended it to, and she quickly looked away from Laura to the yellow pillow on her bed, not missing the quiet gasp that exited the girl. Suddenly, Laura jumped up from the bed.

“I’m going to go get Perry and tell her you’re awake.” She sounded flustered and Carmilla watched her retreating form with a small amused smile on her face.

Barely a minute had passed before Laura raced back into the room with Perry, and therefore LaF, straight on her heels. Carmilla didn’t realize the amount of relief that would run through her at the sight at LaF. She hadn’t known what would happen to them after she lost her wings, and she was glad to see that they were alright. Suddenly there were too many voices talking to her at once—people talking directly to her instead of just around her was an entirely different experience. It was almost entirely overwhelming.

Perry, ever the perceptive mother hen, took notice of Carmilla’s discomfort and quickly shushed Laura and LaF who fell silent almost immediately, not really wanting to face Perry’s wrath. Perry approached Carmilla slowly like one would a wounded animal, which really, Carmilla supposed, was fairly accurate. “Hello Carmilla, it’s nice to finally meet you when you’re actually here with us. My name’s Perry, I’m the Floor Don and I’m also the one who stitched you up. No need to worry though! I’m certified to do that.” Carmilla kept herself from rolling her eyes and telling Perry that she knew all that already, that she had been there beside LaF as Perry and they celebrated her certification. “Do you mind if I take a look at your back again to see how it’s healing?”

Carmilla looked over Perry’s shoulder at Laura and LaF for a moment before nodding slowly. Perry smiled before turning toward the other two. “Both of you, face the wall or get out. We should respect Carmilla’s privacy.” LaF and Laura shared a glance before turning and facing the scattered pictures decorating the wall above Laura’s bed. “If I catch either of you peeking I’m not making brownies for six weeks.” This threat for some reason made both Laura and LaF stand up straighter. LaF even saluted.

“I’m Lafontaine, by the way. LaF for short. I’m a Bio major.”

Carmilla grunted as she moved to face the wall, showing her back to Perry as she gently lifted her shirt and started unwrapping the gauze and mumbled “They/them,” completing the introduction she’d heard from the person so many times before almost instinctually. Perry paused in her process of unwrapping as she heard what Carmilla said.

“How’d you know? Have we had classes together before?” LaF asked, still facing Laura’s wall, slightly impressed.

“I’m uh—I’m psychic.” Carmilla really needed to work on her lying ability; it was severely lacking. She winced and let out a hiss of pain when Perry unwrapped a particularly tender spot.

“Sorry,” the curly haired ginger spoke as she finished revealing the wound.

“That’s awesome! Do you think maybe some time I could run some minimally invasive tests to see how that works?” Carmilla couldn’t see them at the moment, but she was pretty sure LaF was clenching their fist in excitement as they often did at the chance of a new experiment. Before Carmilla could answer Perry started to gently prod around the two wounds in order to see how they were healing and Carmilla snapped her mouth shut in order to keep from crying out in pain. Apparently, the tensing in her shoulders was enough to alert Perry and the prodding immediately stopped.

“Sorry again.” Perry paused and Carmilla presumed she was simply looking at the wounds. “Good news is that the inflammation has gone down, as has the redness. The pain won’t be gone entirely for quite some time, but in a couple more weeks you should be good to go.” Carmilla didn’t have the heart to tell Perry that she was wrong, that this pain would never go away. “I’m going to rewrap it now with some clean gauze.” Carmilla gave a curt nod which must’ve been enough for Perry as she started wrapping Carmilla’s back up once again.

Carmilla cleared her throat slightly before she spoke, “how long have I been out for?”

“Three days.” This question Laura answered and Carmilla hummed in understanding. The rest of the wrapping passed in silence until Perry finished, fastening the end of the gauze just under Carmilla’s ribs. Perry carefully helped Carmilla back into her shirt even after a grumble of dislike from the dark haired woman. Carmilla turned to face the room slowly as Perry stepped back and tapped both Laura and LaF on the shoulder. They both turned and immediately started talking again, this time to each other. Carmilla could handle that; that had been her entire existence up until three days ago.

“Carmilla?” Perry’s voice brought her back to the present and she looked up at the Floor Don, eyebrow raised in question. “Just…get some rest, Laura, could you loan her another pillow for comfort’s sake? I’ll check in on you tomorrow. I’ve told all the professors you have on the schedule that you’re ill and they said that they’ll email you any work that you’ll be missing.” Laura and Carmilla both nodded and Perry moved toward the door of the room, dragging LaF along with her. _Classes_. She couldn’t believe it. She could actually attend classes on her own now instead of just facing the corner at all of LaF’s bio labs.

“Think about what I said about those tests, yeah?” LaF called over their shoulder before they were practically dragged out of Laura’s—and her’s, now, too—room. Silence filled the spaces that Perry and LaF left.

“They’re both a little bit eccentric, but they grow on you.” Laura smiled and Carmilla chuckled, not able to tell Laura just how right she was. A wave of exhaustion washed over Carmilla and she yawned. It was weird, having the urge to sleep. She’d never once had the urge during her time as a guardian angel. Laura noticed the yawn and extended Carmilla her yellow pillow, who happily took it and placed it on top of her own pillow.

“’Night, cupcake.” Carmilla maneuvered herself back onto her stomach on the bed and closed her eyes.

“It’s the middle of the day, and it’s _Laura_.” Laura grumbled under her breath and Carmilla gave a small smile into the pillow, head facing away from Laura.

The rest of the week passed fairly quickly since Carmilla was asleep for most of it. She wondered if it was the ‘never really sleeping before she tore off her wings’ thing and she was just catching up on hundreds of years of sleepless nights, or if it was just her body adjusting. Either way, she wasn’t really complaining. She basically just passed out from exhaustion everyday only hours after she would wake and wouldn’t even remember falling asleep in the first place. Perry, and by proxy, LaF stopped by almost every day—Perry to check up on the wounds, which she said were healing amazingly fast but would scar terribly, and LaF to see if they could get Carmilla to predict or sense anything else with her ‘psychic’ powers. Laura would come and go in the intervals that Carmilla was actually awake for, her focus on her journalism class and other school work.

Finally, by the beginning of the following week, Carmilla had the Perry stamp of approval to not only be able to sleep on her side, but to change the coverings on her wounds to two medical pads. She argued by saying that she could sleep however she damn well pleased and didn’t need anyone’s approval about it, but on the inside she was pretty grateful—she hated sleeping on her stomach. She still kept Laura’s yellow pillow—or rather, stole it back when she wasn’t looking. Her wounds finally healed enough for her to be considered an active member of society and she immediately took full advantage. As soon as she could walk around with minimal pain, she was up and exploring the campus and the world; marveling at how fast it had all changed yet again. Sure, she had seen things through LaF’s life, but they grew up in a pretty small town and using the internet first hand was an entirely different experience than watching LaF look up facts on the Illuminati.

Carmilla went out and she experienced whatever caught her eye. She would spend hours in the bookstores at nearby towns, reading up on everything she had lived through, and everything that she had missed. She used the I.D. that Mattie had given her to get into any clubs that she wanted to, just to see what all the fuss was about, but she quickly found that beyond the dancing girls they really weren’t her scene. She found that she enjoyed bars more. They just seemed more…intimate. And after centuries of being invisible, she craved intimacy.

She often ended up sneaking—not so quietly—back into the dorm room at ungodly hours in the morning, trying her best not to wake Laura up. She still didn’t really understand what it meant to live like a human. Yes, obviously, she’d observed over the years, but everyone was different. Laura, however, seemed to thrive off of chocolate and grape soda, so Carmilla tried it out, taking a cupcake here or a can there. When in Rome, she figured. That diet alone wasn’t very sufficient though, so she started adventuring with different foods—still saving room for a cupcake or brownie every now and again.

By far, Carmilla’s favorite place that she encountered was a hill on the campus that she stumbled upon, and almost down, one night as she was making her way back to the dorm. From that hill the sky would completely open up, the stars were breathtaking. Carmilla would spend hours upon hours just sitting on that hill, looking at the sky, and remembering. Whenever she looked up at the vast expanse of natural light blanketing the sky, her mind became filled with memories. Memories of the times she was just a bystander as Ell sat outside at night and talked to the sky, thinking no one was listening. Carmilla could remember those seemingly one-sided conversations very well, so the night after she found her perfect vantage point on the hill; she started saying all the responses that she had planned out so long ago. She felt like it gave closure.

And apparently, staying out very late partying and stealing food had not been the correct way to spend her first mobile week as a human being because Laura seemed to hate her. It started with passive-aggressiveness and since then had escalated to direct snippy comments, but Carmilla acted as disaffected as she could—though that only seemed to spurn Laura on even more. Carmilla tried not to dwell on it too much—she was starting her classes the next day—and maybe it was better for Laura to stay distanced for a bit while she figured out how the hell to actually live life as a human again.

Carmilla’s first class was Philosophy of Tyranny, and she found out from Perry’s insistence of explaining to Carmilla her entire schedule, that it was located on the other side of campus. She left giving herself just enough time to get to class at her leisurely stroll and started her walk across campus. She could never deny that the campus was beautiful, but it honestly hadn’t changed much since she’d first been here; it had more buildings. That was about it.

Carmilla made her way through Silas, not really paying mind of her route to get across campus until she entered a courtyard. There weren’t many courtyards at Silas, so she glanced to see what the courtyard opened up to and immediately became stuck in place as her eyes roamed across the letters on the front of the building. _Armitage Library._ It’s like the past she so wanted to leave behind (she knew she never could) had dug its claws into her, reminding her of its existence. The two wounds on her back felt gaping yet again and pulsed with the feeling of phantom wings.

She was brought back to the present before she even had the chance to fully leave it, by someone knocking into her. She almost fell backward but managed to catch herself; her legs finally seeming to work again as familiar rambling fills her ears. “I’m so sorry! I wasn’t looking where I was going and I’m carrying too many books. That’s really not an excuse—not that I’m trying to excuse my actions, but I just—Carmilla?” Carmilla’s eyes finally shift from the library to the ground where the person who ran into her—Laura, apparently—had finally looked up from picking up her books.

Her face must show the residual emotions from the moment before because Laura quickly stands up, her brow furrowing in concern. “Carmilla, are you okay?” She takes one last glance at the library, Laura inquisitively following her gaze, before building her walls up yet again.

“Fine, Cupcake, just running a bit late to class.” Her words fell flat, like the type of emotionless that only arises when too many emotions are being felt at once.  The last thing she wants to do, however, is answer questions, so she quickly moves around Laura and heads off to her class, leaving Laura slightly dumbfounded and scrambling to pick up all her book and papers before they fly away.

She had to admit that the class was extremely interesting and she would’ve definitely enjoyed herself had her day been any different, had she not come face to face with her past yet again. Thankfully that was her only class of the day, so once the three-hour seminar finished she gathered her belongings, barely scribbled notes, and left the Robespierre Building—she found great humor that the class was held in that building after she caught up with the history behind it. The memory of J.P. still weighed heavily on her mind and she did not feel like dealing with any questions that might come from Laura with her return to the room so she just decided to walk around campus. Lost in thoughts of regret, Carmilla’s feet carry her to the biology building of their own volition. She still knew Laf’s schedule by heart and they were due to walk out of the building any second. She didn’t know why her feet brought her here, but before she could bail out of the situation a familiar red head came strolling out of the building and spotted her. They stopped in surprise for a moment and quirked their eyebrow before hurrying down the steps to greet Carmilla.

“Hey Carmilla, what brings you to this area?” Their hands tighten around the straps of their backpack and Carmilla knows that’s them restraining themselves from asking more inquisitive questions. Carmilla shrugs.

“My feet just brought me here I guess.” Carmilla starts walking again, trying to physically exit the conversation. Laf blinks, looks after Carmilla, and practically leaps to catch up with her.

“So I was wondering,” they started and Carmilla just sighed, knowing something strange and partially invasive was about to be asked, “since you’re feeling better now from your injury, if you were at all interested in those tests involving your,” they leaned in conspiratorially, “abilities.”

“If I say yes will you stop pestering me about it?”

“Absolutely.”

“Then sure, whatever.”

“Yes!” They fist pumped and Carmilla rolled her eyes—she chose to ignore the fondness that she felt in her heart at the action. By the time silence had curtained over the two of them, they had reached the dorm and Laf walked right to the door. “We’ll have to come up with a good time for the tests, so we should exchange schedules and possibly numbers, but I could always just continue to barge in if that works better for y—“ They stopped when they realized Carmilla was simply looking at the building instead of following them. “You coming?”

Carmilla looked at the building for a bit longer and shook her head. “I’m going on a walk.” With that she continued on her aimless walk, Laf simply shrugging before making their way inside the building.

The sun was setting before Carmilla made her way to her favorite hill, placing her bag on the ground, and sitting down. She watched the sky as it faded from oranges, purples, and reds, to the black night littered with the twinkling of millions of stars. She sat and she mourned everything that she didn’t do, as per usual. She lifted her arm around to her back and down her shirt, fingers skirting along the tip of the medical pads where her wings used to be. Her back was mostly healed, just horribly scabbed and a bit sensitive. She hadn’t been able to see the damage—hadn’t wanted to see the damage, but she knew how ugly the scars would look. A stark contrast to how beautiful her wings were all those years ago. Sometimes she could still feel them, the sensation of them ruffling against her shirt, but she knew that’s just in her head. She didn’t deserve her wings anymore—she never deserved them, not with everything she let happen.

Carmilla wasn’t sure what time she made her way back to the dorm room, but she’s sure it’s very early in the morning; she tended to lose track of time when she was self-loathing. She made sure to open the creaky door as silently as she could, so that she didn’t disturb Laura. Sure, sometimes it’s fun to rile her up, but sleep was never something she wanted to interrupt. Apparently that wasn’t something she needed to worry about that night since Laura was still up and typing on her laptop at her desk. She gently closed the door behind her and dropped her bag to the floor, taking off her shoes while she’s bent over.

“You’re up later than usual…” Carmilla commented but Laura said nothing, just continued to tap away at her laptop. “Alright,” Carmilla sighed at the lack of response and moved to change her shirt, facing the closet. She hissed in pain when her arms lifted her shirt over her head and off. She took off the pasties that Perry had given her since she still couldn’t wear a bra and grabbed a large, ill-fitting shirt that she may have stolen from Laura. She gently pulled the shirt on, managing only to tense at the discomfort and slight pain at the stretching of skin and scab.

“Perry said you were supposed to get your bandages changed earlier, but you never showed up so she gave them to me.” Carmilla startled a bit and turned to see Laura watching her, an unreadable look in her eye.

“Yeah, I…I had somewhere to be.” Carmilla didn’t meet Laura’s look as she made her way to her bed, laying down on her side facing away from Laura. Carmilla closed her eyes—not to fall asleep, but in hopes that Laura would lose interest and turn back to whatever she was typing.

“Perry said that you should really change the bandages or whatever they are.” Carmilla sighed, so much for that wish.

“Cupcake, it’s late, Curly Sue is definitely asleep and I don’t want to deal with having to wake her up. It’s fine.”

Carmilla heard Laura take a deep, steadying breath, probably so that she didn’t lash out at Carmilla for the nicknames. “Did you miss the part earlier where I said that Perry gave me all the things you’d need to change them?”

“Must’ve been too busy wishing I was anywhere but here.” Carmilla was mad at herself the second the words left her mouth. She didn’t mean them at all and now Laura was going to be angry with her. She heard the sound of disbelief come from Laura, some insult thrown under her breath, and then the typing start up yet again. Carmilla didn’t mean to be snippy, she just really didn’t want Laura to see her wounds and get curious. “Sorry.” Carmilla said with her back still turned to Laura. The typing stopped for a moment but Laura did nothing else to acknowledge that she heard the apology before typing again.

The next morning, Carmilla went to Perry as soon as she woke up who chastised her for not changing the bandages last night as she changed them. Carmilla rolled her eyes, but was secretly touched at the concern before she left for her classes that day making sure to stay clear of the Armitage Library. At the end of the day, as soon as Carmilla sat down on her bed in a surprisingly Laura-less room, Laf burst into the dorm room, grinning. Carmilla nearly groaned.

“Yeah, you really should lock your door more often.” Laf closed the door behind them. “Now, let’s talk availability.”

“…Fine.”

“Obviously now, when else?” Carmilla massaged her temples gently.

“I don’t have classes tomorrow or Friday, but don’t you dare wake me up before noon.”

“Gotcha. Tuesdays, Wednesdays, and Fridays. Can we start now?” Carmilla sighed.

“If we must, Frankenstein.”

And so Laf tested a begrudging Carmilla on her “psychic” abilities three times a week. Carmilla could say nothing when asked about the future or really any question that didn’t involve the past, Laf, Perry or Laura to some extent. No matter what Carmilla said, Laf would just hum out an interesting before writing down whatever they did. This routine continued for weeks, over which Carmilla eventually got the all clear from Perry to stop wearing the bandage on her back. Her interactions with Laura over those weeks were few and far between, but they weren’t purely antagonistic, so Carmilla couldn’t complain.

That is until she walks into their room after class and is treated to the sight of Laura sitting knee to knee with Danny Lawrence, or as Carmilla referred to her in her head most of the time, Xena. She opened her mouth to say something before she realized that she hadn’t seen Danny since that last semester when they had all stopped the kidnappers, ergo Carmilla had never officially met Danny. Somehow the two hadn’t heard her enter the room, caught up in their own world, Carmilla cleared her throat gaining their attention. “Seriously, are you a ginger magnet are something, Cupcake?”

Danny’s eyes narrowed at the nickname but Laura simply rolled hers, used to it by now. Carmilla dropped her bag, paying them no more attention as she lounged on her bed, grabbing a book to read. “Carmilla, this is Danny. Danny, Carmilla.” Carmilla simply grunted at the greeting and continued to read. She hadn’t seen much of Danny when she was Laf’s guardian—they never really stuck around whenever she showed up. Carmilla didn’t think they liked Danny very much. But from what Carmilla gathered from the minimal interactions she had seen, Danny was a very headstrong person and stuck to her beliefs. She wasn’t a bad person, she just pushed too hard sometimes and was a tad bit overprotective. Carmilla wished she was a bad person, it would make it easier to resent her for Laura’s crushing on her before the gang of idiots went to battle. Danny had protected Laura and the others where Carmilla couldn’t…so maybe she did resent her, just a little bit.

Danny scoffed at her attitude and spoke to Laura in a hushed tone, “Should we continue this conversation another time? Or somewhere else?”

“Don’t get your panties in a bunch on my account. I couldn’t care less what you are talking about.” That was a lie but she committed to it, turning the page of the book she wasn’t really reading. She could almost feel Laura roll her eyes and scrunch her nose up in irritation.

“Listen Danny…I really want us to be friends again. I miss our literature discussions and our movie nights and our pie outings…but friends is as far as I think we should go.” Carmilla flipped another page, no longer even thinking about readings. She wondered what had changed since last semester, Laura had seemed completely enamored. Danny took a deep breath and Carmilla glanced to the side to see her nodding to herself.

“Alright Hollis, if that’s what you want… I guess—I guess I’ll see you around.”

“Definitely.” Carmilla heard the smile in Laura’s voice before they both got up and went to the door. They exchanged a few more words and a hug before Danny left with promises to get pie sometime next week. Laura flopped back onto her bed, letting out a deep breath. Carmilla glanced at her form a couple of times before snapping her book shut.

“So what was all that about with the giant?” Laura lifted her head to look at Carmilla with a smug look on her face.

“I thought you ‘couldn’t care less’ what we were talking about?” Laura questioned, throwing in a bad Carmilla impression.

“Just because I don’t care doesn’t mean it doesn’t interest me. You’ve been scarce for weeks and then here you are breaking up with someone; that’s unexpected of you, Cupcake. I’m intrigued.” Laura’s mouth dropped open in offense.

“Excuse me? First of all, you’re the one who’s scarce. You’re never here until you stumble in at an four am, if you even come back from wherever you skulk off to. Second of all, I wasn’t breaking up with Danny because we were never together. I realized last semester that we just weren’t compatible like that and it’s been awkward between us ever since so I wanted to fix that. Not that you need to know any of that. And third of all, you don’t know enough about me for anything to be expected.” Laura took a deep breath when she finished her small rant. Carmilla’s eyebrows had risen in surprise and a small smile quirked at her lips.

“Wow. Tell me how you really feel, Cupcake.”

“We’d be here awhile. I don’t think you should open up that can of worms Carmilla.” With that Laura got up to her desk, opened her laptop, and started typing away. It was her way of dismissing Carmilla without kicking her out of their shared room. Carmilla took the hint and actually started reading the book she had picked up until she went to class. She made sure to accidentally not have time to finish the hot chocolate she had just made, passing it off to Laura instead on her way out. And so Carmilla started to do nice, small things for Laura every now and then to make up for the biting quips they sometimes made at each other.

           

Carmilla knew she’d eventually have to face the library—it was inevitable at University. She just didn’t think it’d be so soon. She needed to get a book for a research paper, but instead of doing that she was standing in the courtyard outside of the library, looking at the name. After way too long to be considered normal, she took a deep, steeling breath, and walked up the stairs into the library. Her plan was to get in and out as quickly as possible, but that plan fell apart as soon as she saw what aisle she had to walk past. She really tried to just walk past it, but her feet stayed glued at that aisle until they turned in and started walking down it. Her fingers ran along the stacks until she reached the bookcase. Her body tensed and tears welled in her eyes until she heard the librarian coming down the aisles with her book cart. Carmilla quickly left, grabbing her book from a few aisles down, checking it out, and leaving as fast as her feet could carry her. Unfortunately, her feet carried her directly into another person. Luckily she didn’t lose her balance but unfortunately the person she ran into’s things fell everywhere. The person who was—Laura. Of course it was. And now that Laura had realized it was her, she was now complaining.

“Seriously Carmilla? Again? Can you not watch where you’re going ever? It really not that hard…” Laura continued to rant, but Carmilla just simply dropped down to her knees and started to organize fallen papers and other items. She wanted to end this confrontation as soon as possible so that she could go and wallow. Laura’s words seemed to die in her throat as soon as Carmilla started to pick up her things and she watched dumb-founded until Carmilla stood and hurriedly pushed Laura’s things back into her arms.

She gave her a mumbled, “Here you go. Sorry,” before turning on her heel and attempting to walk away. She didn’t notice the hand on her arm until Laura turned Carmilla back around to face her.

“Hey…are you alright?”

“I’m fine, Cupcake, it takes more than bumping into you to throw me off.”

“I didn’t mean that. You look upset. Like you’ve been crying.” Carmilla clutched the library book to her chest slightly tighter and Laura glanced down at it, brows furrowed in confusion.

“I’m just peachy. You should go to whatever class you have, wouldn’t want you to be late.” Carmilla shrugged off Laura’s hand and walked in the other direction of where Laura was headed before she could even ask her to wait. Carmilla didn’t go back to the room that night. In fact, Carmilla and Laura didn’t see each other at all for four days, even when Laf came over to conduct some “psychic” tests.

Finally on the fourth day, Carmilla came in at two in the morning, not expecting to find Laura sitting up on her laptop, possibly waiting for her. “You’ve been avoiding me.” Okay, definitely waiting for her. Carmilla just sighed and put her bag down, grabbing her (Laura’s) oversized shirt to wear for jammies. “Why have you been avoiding me?” She heard Laura get off the bed.

“I haven’t been avoiding you, Cupcake.” She said as she kicked her shoes off and unbuttoned her jeans.

“Bullshit!” Carmilla almost smiled at the outburst, but her expression quickly soured. “Is this because of what happened the other day? What is it with you and the library?”

Carmilla turned to face Laura, “Nothing that concerns you, Shortstack, now can a girl get a little privacy?” She ground out and pulled down her jeans. Laura eyed Carmilla’s legs and her cheeks became several shades darker before she turned to give Carmilla privacy. Carmilla quickly switched out shirts, still not wanting Laura to see her back before grabbing the duffel bag Mattie had given her all those weeks ago and sitting with it on her bed.

Laura takes that as a sign that she can look at Carmilla again and sits on her own bed, opposite of her. “I was just concerned about you, for some reason, but that was stupid of me because you obviously don’t know how to accept or show any human emotion.”

Carmilla gave an empty chuckle and shook her head as she reached into the duffel bag, “when you’re right you’re right, Cupcake.” That obviously wasn’t the reaction Laura was expecting because her next words died in her throat as she started them, looking over at Carmilla incredulously. Carmilla ignored the look and brought out a long, pitch black feather from the bag, one of her own that she grabbed after everything that had happened. She twirled the long feather between her thumb and pointer finger looking at it with a deep sadness that even Laura could notice.

“What’s that?”

“What does it look like, Cupcake? It’s a feather.”

“Well no, duh. But it obviously means something to you and it’s just so—“

“Hideous?” Carmilla interrupts, not taking her eye off the feather.

“Well…I was actually gonna say beautiful.” Carmilla stopped twirling the feather.

“Beautiful?”

“Yeah,” Laura nodded, “I mean, at first it just looks like a black feather, but when the light hits it, there’s this gorgeous dark blue tint.”

“Wouldn’t it be prettier if it was white though?” Laura hummed in thought.

“I don’t think so. I think white feathers are a bit boring, don’t you?” Carmilla looked up at Laura with a mixture of shock and fondness in her eyes.

“Yeah…you’re right,” Carmilla took a moment, looking back at the feather, before extending it to Laura, “here.” Laura blinked in surprise, stumbling over her response.

“What? Why? It’s yours and it obviously means a lot to you so- so you should obviously keep it if it means that much to you.”

“Cupcake, relax. I have more of them. Besides, it deserves to be appreciated by someone who can see the beauty in it.” Carmilla stood from her bed and outstretched the feather to Laura. Laura switched her gaze from the feather to Carmilla and back again a few times before gently taking the feather from between Carmilla’s fingers. “Consider it a sorry for avoiding you.” Carmilla sat back on her bed, getting under the covers, watching Laura twirl the feather between her fingers before snapping her head up to look at Carmilla.

“So you were avoiding me! Why? What were you upset about? And where did you even get these feathers? What are they from?” Carmilla just groaned at the bombardment of questions, turning on her other side.

“Other stories for other times, Buttercup, it’s late and I’m tired.” Laura grumbled, unsatisfied, but turned off her lamp, darkness falling over the dorm room. Carmilla thought about everything Laura had said about her feathers and felt a familiar warmth in her chest. She adjusted her covers a bit before quietly saying, “Goodnight, Laura.”

She wasn’t expecting the returned, “Night, Carmilla.”

Carmilla noticed a change in her and Laura’s dynamic after that night. They didn’t talk about what happened, but there was a mutual understanding that they were going to be nice to each other. They both did little things for one another, Laura gave Carmilla the last of her cookies and Carmilla listened to Laura rant about her various things. To Carmilla’s surprise Laura kept the feather on her desk and had taken to twirling it between her fingers when she was deep in thought. All-in-all things were going pretty good; three times a week Carmilla lied to Laf about being a psychic, Perry checked in with her at least once a week to see how she was doing, and she and Laura were getting along, even when Danny was over. Carmilla chose to ignore the warmth she felt whenever she and Laura talked or the way her heart beat sped up when Laura touched her arm to get her attention.

But of course, all good things had to end, they always did for Carmilla and she should’ve known not to get too comfortable. It had been a been a fine day, Laf had just left for the night, happy with the data that they had gathered from Carmilla’s “powers”, and Laura wasn’t due back to the room for another half-hour. Carmilla decided to change into her pajamas then, making it easier to fall asleep whenever she wanted later. She had just taken off her shirt when she heard the door open.

“Hey Carmil—“ She cut herself off with a gasp. Carmilla threw on the oversized shirt that had just become hers as quickly as she could, but she knew Laura had already seen her back. Her shoulders tensed and she clutched the bottom of the shirt, not wanting to do anything other than curl up under the covers. Suddenly there was a gentle touch over her shirt right between where the two scars were, and she flinched involuntarily. “Carm…” That was new, Carmilla thought. She liked it. Laura kept her hand there, but didn’t add any pressure. Carmilla relaxed a little bit but didn’t turn to look at Laura.

“Carm, c’mon. Look at me.” She did—what could she say, she was weak—but kept her hand fisted at the bottom of the shirt. She slowly turned to face Laura, Laura’s hand dragging gently along her back as she turned until it rested on her arm. Carmilla shivered when it skimmed over where her wing used to be. “I’m not gonna ask what happened, cause I doubt I’d get an answer, but if you did want to tell me about it I’m here, and I promise no judgement.” Carmilla took a deep breath.

“It’s a long story…and I highly doubt you’d believe it.”

“I’ve probably believed crazier things than whatever you’re about to tell me.”

“I doubt it.” Laura opened her mouth to argue the point before remembering the sore subject and nods her head. Carmilla was positive that had it been anything else, Laura wouldn’t have let it slide.

“Well, the offer still stands.” Laura gave Carmilla’s arm a gentle squeeze before setting her stuff down and sitting on her bed. Carmilla stood completely still for a minute or two, going over everything in her head before, sitting on her own bed. It wasn’t until she looked over to Laura that she noticed her twirling her feather between her two fingers as she scrolled through her laptop—Carmilla hadn’t even seen her grab either object. It was while she watched Laura twirl that feather that she made her decision.

Carmilla took a deep breath before admitting, “I turned human two and a half months ago.” The scrolling and the feather twirling stopped simultaneously. There was complete silence for what felt like hours and Carmilla was brought back to the timelessness of Maman’s punishment. Thankfully this agony didn’t last nearly as long.

“So you are a vampire! Damn it. I owe Laf twenty bucks.” Laura started grumbling about different vampire related things before Carmilla could even process what she even said.

“No. I’m not a vampire. Don’t be ridiculous.” Laura tilted her head.

“Well then what are you?”

“I’m,” Carmilla paused, “I was…well I guess you’d call it a guardian angel.” Laura’s mouth gaped at the information and she twirled the feather between her fingers, drawing Carmilla’s gaze to it. Laura looked down at the feather and then rapidly between it and Carmilla.

“This is yours.”

“There’s that journalism degree.”

“And the wounds on your back when we met, they were from your wings weren’t they?”

“Ding ding ding. We have a winner.”

“…how?” Carmilla watched as Laura ran her finger gently along the feather, a look of amazement on her face.

“That’s a long and…not so happy story.”

“I’ve got all night.” Laura adjusted her position, resting the feather in her lap as she looked determinedly at Carmilla. Carmilla was conflicted; Laura had believed her this far, but would she still after being told everything? Would she look at Carmilla differently after hearing that had happened? Carmilla looked at the steeled yet expectant look on Laura’s face and sighed, before starting at the beginning. She told Laura everything; from her initial _being_ , her first assignment with Mattie, J.P. and Sarah Jane, Ell, her punishment, her other failures, Laf, to her becoming a human. By the time she finished recounting her life it was early morning and Laura had made her way next to Carmilla on her bed.

“…and now I’m here sitting with you.” Carmilla finished and Laura let out a deep breath.

“Wow.” Carmilla just nodded because it was a lot, she could admit that. She opened her mouth to tell Laura that she’d understand if she didn’t believe her when the words got stuck in her throat. Laura had pulled Carmilla into a hug, making sure not to hold her too hard around the back. Carmilla hesitated for only a moment before lifting her arms to return the hug. “I’m so sorry.” Laura mumbled into her shoulder and for the first time the entire night, Carmilla let tears fall down her cheeks. Laura let Carmilla hold onto her for however long she needed and didn’t comment on the wet spots on her shoulder when they finally pulled apart.

“So you actually had to follow Laf around for pretty much their entire life so far?” Carmilla lips quirked up into a smile.

“Yes, and by extension, Perry.”

“We have to tell them both.” Carmilla’s chest felt lighter at Laura’s use of ‘we’/

“Not tonight, Laura…I can’t go through that again tonight.” Laura looked like she wanted to argue but relented.

“Alright. But soon, they deserve to know.”

“Fine,” Carmilla relented, “now I’m exhausted and wanna go to bed.”

“Oh, of course,” Laura scrambled off of Carmilla’s bed and onto her own, turning off the light as she did. Carmilla settled under the covers of her bed, as Laura did the same on her side of the room. Carmilla was nearly asleep due solely to exhaustion, physical and emotional, before she heard Laura speak up from the other side of the room. “You deserved better than how your family or Maman treated you. You just—you deserve more. Goodnight Carm.” The goodnight was added hastily onto the end of the statement with a slight squeak, followed by the sound of Laura flopping onto her side under the covers.

For a few moments Carmilla was sure that she had actually fallen asleep and was dreaming. No one had ever told her that she deserved better than her situation…that she deserved more than life and death had handed her. Her heart beat skyrocketed at the thought and she turned to face Laura’s side of the room. “Goodnight Laura.” This time she acknowledged the fondness in her tone and maybe leaned into it a bit. She fell asleep that night feeling lighter than she had in centuries.

Carmilla could’ve easily predicted Laf and Perry’s reaction, and she basically did. The next day, with much prompting by Laura, Carmilla gave them the more cliff notes version of her entire life and death…and life again. As Carmilla thought, Laf was immediately intrigued and filled with questions as Perry was trying to reign them in while at the same time trying to normalize everything Carmilla had told them. 

“Carmilla, I don’t want to invalidate you at all, but this all sounds delusional.”

“Yeah, it does seem a bit of a stretch Karnstein.”

Carmilla scoffed, “So you’ll believe I’m psychic, but not this? Believe me or not, it’s the truth.”

Laf crossed their arms. “Give me proof. Something that only a guardian angel would know.”

Carmilla groaned and lounged back onto her bed, “Really? An interrogation now?” Laf made an affirmative noise. “Fine. Your parents always called you Laffy Taffy. You met Perry when you were 5 years old the day you moved in next door. Perry started going by Perry in the 5th grade when there was another Lola. You both told each other you loved each other your senior year of high school in a disgustingly sweet way. If I remember correctly the exact admission went something like ‘I wanna hold your hand and kiss you and make you feel safe and stuff.’ That enough proof?”

Both Perry and Laf went beet red throughout Carmilla giving her proof. Laf was quick to compose themselves and nodded. “For now.” Laura grinned and outstretched Carmilla’s feather to show Laf and Perry.

“Look, this is one of Carm’s feathers.” Laf raised their eyebrow at the nickname before looking at the feather.

“Woah…that’s sort of incredible. I would love to look it over and do some experiments on it.” They grabbed for the feather, but Laura quickly snatched it back to herself.

“No!” Carmilla looked at Laura strangely. She didn’t understand why Laura was so attached to the feather; she had a handful more in her bag and they all looked exactly the same.

“Here,” Carmilla said as she reached into the duffel bag on the floor, bringing out the three feathers that she grabbed and handing them to Laf, “go crazy, Mad Scientist.” Laf just took the feathers and grinned before practically bolting out of the room with a “C’mon Perr!”, Perry, for once, the draggee instead of the dragger, followed after them with a skeptical look. With the gentle close of the door, thanks to Perry, Laura and Carmilla were left alone to their own devices. Carmilla reached to get a book to read as Laura opened her mouth to say something before thinking better of it and getting her laptop, keeping the feather between her fingers. Carmilla opened her book to read, but spent the entire time looking with wonder at Laura twirling the feather between her fingers.

For the second time in a long time, Carmilla slept soundly and peacefully that night. She didn’t dream of drowning, fallen bookcases, balconies, or Maman. She didn’t even dream of Ell. She dreamt of warm embraces, long, nervous ramblings, outbursts of irritation, and chocolate cupcakes. She had known that she was interested in Laura, but it seemed that her subconscious had finally accepted the fact with open arms. She was tired of denying it, especially since Laura made her feel…well, many things, but Laura made her feel whole again. She made Carmilla feel like the pieces of herself that she thought she lost along the way were just hidden and Laura had found them. Carmilla had felt a gaping hole in herself since she had lost her wings, but sometimes when she talked to Laura that hole dissolved and she could almost feel her wings brush against her back. After that night, Laura became a solidified presence in her dreams. Not that she still didn’t have nightmares—she did—but Laura was always somehow there to fight them alongside her.

She was hesitant to outright tell Laura about her feelings, but she didn’t dance around them either. She instead chose to show them to Laura through her actions; she would bring Laura a cupcake from the campus coffee shop when she went there after class, make her hot chocolate while she was studying, offer to watch one of Laura’s favorite shows with her even when she had no idea what was going on. This approach was going great, she and Laura were getting along and Carmilla had chances to gauge Laura’s reactions to try and decide whether or not she felt the same. The only thing was, with Carmilla and plans, they never seemed to work out the way she wanted them to.

Carmilla was reminded of this fact when the door of the room was suddenly thrown open and three gingers infiltrated the room. Before Carmilla could make a quip about how privacy was dead, she looked up and felt her heart drop out of her chest. There, in the middle of the ginger trifecta, was Laura with her arm in a sling, a bruise on the side of her face, and a stitched up cut on her forehead. Carmilla was off of her bed in an instant, rushing toward the group.

“What happened!?” She directed the question to the entire group, and although she was aware her tone was a little harsh, she couldn’t bring herself to change it. The entire group exchanged glances before Danny cleared her throat.

“Well, Laura and I were out eating pie and after, as we were walking back to campus there was this guy driving down the road like a maniac—swerving, speeding, the whole deal—and he was heading right toward us. Lucky for us, Laura tripped backwards and brought us both out of the path of the car, but that unfortunately brought us right into the path of a very, very angry cyclist who plowed right into us. Poor Laura took most of the damage. We called Laf and Perry and they met us at the hospital.”

Carmilla stood and took in the entire story, looking over Danny and noticing her injuries—the ones she had been too preoccupied with worrying about Laura to notice at first. When Danny finished her recounting, Carmilla felt physically sick and was apparently visibly upset since everyone sort of shuffled uncomfortably.

“Why didn’t you call me?” Carmilla had meant the question to be accusatory, but it just came out desperate.

“None of us had your phone number,” Laf was the one who answered, “and Laura’s got smashed in the accident.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah.”

Carmilla looked at Laura who had been surprisingly quiet during the entire exchange and was just watching Carmilla with a strange look on her face.

“Well, I’m sure it’s been an exhausting day for Laura and she needs all the rest she can get, so we should get going. Carmilla, I trust you can help Laura with anything she might need?” Perry looked at Carmilla as she shooed Laf and Danny out of the room, much to the latter’s protest by the look on her face. Carmilla nodded at Perry and clenched her fist, silently thanking Perry’s innate understanding of when privacy was needed. At the nod, Perry bid Laura and Carmilla goodnight, dragging Danny and Laf out the door with her. Carmilla quickly turned around, clenching and unclenching her fist in rapid succession, trying to push past her nausea. She didn’t hear Laura close the door behind Perry, she didn’t hear her call her name, she didn’t hear her approach, she couldn’t hear anything over the loud noise of her thoughts telling her that Laura could have died. Laura could have died and she would’ve had no idea, not until Perry or Laf or maybe even Danny would have told her. She was stuck on this thought until Laura purposefully but gently placed her hand directly between where Carmilla’s wings used to be.

“Why are you so upset? I’m the one who took a bike to the side.” Laura tried to jokingly alleviate the atmosphere, but it backfired and upset Carmilla even further to hear her nonchalance.

“Laura, you could have died!” Carmilla shrugged away Laura’s hand, turned and tried to storm past her. Laura grabbed Carmilla’s arm before she could get far, her eyebrows furrowed in confusion and anger.

“You don’t think I know that? Of course I do! But I didn’t, so why are you so upset about this!?” Carmilla’s arm tensed under Laura’s hand.

“Laura, you could have died and I wouldn’t have known about it—I wouldn’t have been able to do anything to prevent it. There would’ve been no foreboding feeling this morning when I woke up. No spike of anxiety right before it happened. You could just die and I would have no warning! Just like that…gone. It’s no better than when I was Laf’s guardian and had to standby during the kidnapper fiasco.” Carmilla spoke through clenched teeth; for the first time since she had lost her wings, Carmilla was cruelly and negatively reminded of her humanity—of her powerlessness. She hadn’t realized that she started crying, until the hand that had previously been gripping her arm started to gently wipe them away. Laura turned Carmilla to face her—as best she could with one working arm—and then brushed away the tears on the other side. Carmilla kept her gaze to the floor and her jaw set.

“I get that it’s different than it was before, and that’s probably a lot to get used to, but that kind of thinking is stupid.” At this, Carmilla looked up, slightly offended, at Laura. “It is! It’s stupid and self-destructive. No human knows when they’re gonna die, and sure, it could be at any moment—so what! You can’t live in fear of the inevitable, and you shouldn’t think about it so much. All you can do is live your life the best you can.”

“But it’s not inevitable, Laura, not always. Sometimes it’s preventable, if only someone was there—if someone did something instead of just watching. I hate feeling so powerless!” Carmilla shook her head.

“That’s just something you’ll have to get used to then, Carm. You can’t control everything, and you’re going to waste away by yourself if you keep trying to. Now I’m exhausted. I’m going to bed.” Carmilla noticed Laura’s demeanor had changed; she was upset by what she had said.  Laura made her way to the bathroom throwing an, “And contrary to what the injuries might say, I can take care of myself.”

Carmilla was a bit taken aback from the bitter tone of Laura’s words. She sat on her bed and thought about what she had said to Laura. She wondered why Laura had reacted to them the way she had and—it dawned on Carmilla and she nearly hit herself. Laura thought that Carmilla thought she couldn’t take care of herself, and Laura hated being belittled. _Shit,_ Carmilla mentally cursed. She had messed up and probably ruined all of their progress. They would go back to snide comments and thinly veiled distaste—Carmilla didn’t think she could handle that regression, no matter what front she put up.

Minutes later—a bit longer than it would normally take—Laura exited the bathroom, ready for bed and stopped, surprised at the sight of Carmilla still in the room. “You’re still here?...I thought you would’ve left already. That’s what you usually do when you’re angry or upset—leave. I honestly might’ve prefer--”

“I’m sorry,” Carmilla interrupted before Laura could get in any more scathing words.

“—red it if you…wait what?”

“I know you can take care of yourself, cupcake. I didn’t mean to step on that. I was just scared and I panicked.”

“Why?”

“Why what?”

“Why were you scared?”

“Why was I—you’re serious?” Laura nodded.

“Why would you be scared for me when you have just recently started to like me as a person?” Carmilla was sure her mouth nearly dropped open.

“What on earth made you think that?”

“Oh gee, I don’t know—for the first two months of our roommate-ship you actively avoided me, riled me up, and glared at me.” Carmilla scratched her head in an almost sheepish way as Laura listed, her one working hand propped on her hip.

“I understand what it might’ve looked like, but most of the avoidance wasn’t avoidance as much as me adjusting to all the aspects of being human. As for the other two things…let’s say I overcompensated. I never hated you, especially not as a person.” Laura looked like she didn’t entirely believe her.

“Okay, sure, but that still doesn’t answer my first question.”

“Why was I scared?” Laura nodded and Carmilla contemplated. After a silence that was just a bit too long to be considered comfortable, it was long enough for Laura to sit on her bed, mirroring Carmilla, she answered. “Because I really like you—have for a while—and it terrifies me to be that vulnerable again.” Laura looked like a second cyclist had ridden into their room and ran into her again.

“You…”Laura tried to form words, unsuccessfully, before trying again, “you like me?” Carmilla nodded. “As in…romantically?” Carmilla blushed a little bit and ran a hand through her hair before nodding again. Laura bit her lip at the action, trying to keep in a smile. Carmilla’s eyes locked onto the action, though, her face becoming even more flushed. Carmilla had never liked anyone to the extent that she found herself liking Laura.  “Oh.” Laura sounded a little breathless and looked a little dumbfounded.

Carmilla got up from her bed, almost gliding across the room to tentatively join Laura on hers. “Yeah.” She said simply, somewhat embarrassed by her earlier outbursts. Laura looked between her bed, Carmilla, and the feather delicately placed on her desk, a small smile forming on her face as she did. Then the smile dropped suddenly and Laura turned serious.

“I can take care of myself, I don’t need you or Danny or anyone else there to save the day.”

“I know, cupcake.” Carmilla said earnestly and Laura wondered when she stopped finding the nicknames annoying, “I was there when you and the ginger gang stormed the kidnappers to save those girls, remember? I’ve seen the Krav Maga in action.” Carmilla placed her hand gently on top of Laura’s thigh.

“Right,” Laura mumbled, “so how long does ‘a while’ entail? It’s not an exact measurement of time, so are we talking pre or post- dewinging. Sorry, is that term insensitive? Either way does a while mean longer than I’ve liked you?” Laura’s eyes widened at the admission and her rambling worsened, “By that I mean, before you started making me hot chocolate and told me about everything and—“

Carmilla smiled, cupped Laura’s cheek, and carefully connected their lips, making sure not to hurt Laura’s arm. Laura’s working arm found its place in Carmilla’s hair, gently running through it. Carmilla pulled away first, but Laura’s hand in her hair kept her right against Laura’s forehead. After a moment, Laura pulled Carmilla back in for another kiss and tried to talk at the same time. “Y’know…for someone who…hasn’t kissed someone…in centuries…you’re really good at it.” She managed to get out in between kisses. Outwardly, Carmilla chuckled, but inwardly she was relieved because she had absolutely no idea what she was doing.

After losing track of time for…some amount of time, Carmilla finally pulled away from Laura and moved to get up despite Laura’s protests. “You need to rest, Laura. We can _talk_ more later.” Carmilla winked and slid into her own bed, Laura’s groans following her all the way there. “Goodnight.” Laura reached up and turned off the light.

“Goodnight, Carm.” Her words coming out in a grumble. Carmilla couldn’t help the smirk that appeared on her face, but she buried it in her covers. Maybe things wouldn’t go haywire this time, Carmilla thought as she drifted off into sleep.

She wasn’t sure how long she had been asleep for before she started to wake up by an incessant nudging of her arm. She groaned and rubbed the sleep from her eyes.

“Come on, little fledgling, time to wake up.” At the sound of that voice, Carmilla shot up and came face to face with Mattie, sitting on her dorm room bed.

“Mattie!?” Carmilla shout-whispered, aware of Laura’s sleeping form across the room.

“The one and only, sis.”

“What are you doing here?” Carmilla felt so many different emotions in the moment and she wasn’t sure which one should take precedence.

“I wish it was on a visitation but something’s happening, fledgling. Something big.”

Carmilla knew she had spoken too soon about everything being okay when dread filled the pit of her stomach.


End file.
